At that moment I was sure.  That I belonged in my skin.  That my organs were mine and my eyes were mine and my ears, which could only hear the silence of this night and my faint breathing, were mine, and I loved them and what they could do. 

Dave Eggers, You Shall Know Our Velocity!

There have been so many times in Seoul when I have contemplated this thought, almost exactly.  I used to be unable to shake the feeling that being here was in the cards, or a at least a pitstop on a map of some underlying fate that was already laid out for me.

Unfortunately, with the good comes the bad.  Most days I practically skip to work, my legs walking in rhythm with the music in my ears.  But then there are the bad days.  I have had a few days when leaving on a jet plane out of Seoul was a seemingly feasible idea.  Working at CDI has been the best job that I have ever had and though I have a fear that I won’t find another one better, I miss people that I know.  I would like to think that I have met some actual friends here, but lately I’ve felt that those strings of friendship are tied very loosely, ready to unravel at a moment’s notice.  It sucks to feel this way, just when I’ve gotten my place pulled together to resemble a home of sorts, but I can’t resist it.

 I keep remembering how I initially felt when I first got here, how gleeful I felt.  I can feel remnants of that happiness every once in a while, but I am unconvinced that it is real.

I apologize for the ranting or depressing thoughts, but I figure it’s better than the “Hey, How are ya?  Good, busy, but good.”

 I’m still not to the point of counting down months yet.

1 thought on “Bleh.

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